Relatively Loud

It's the children's half term. This last weekend, the start, we went to visit my brother, his wife and my five nephews. They live just north of Plymouth, a place with the charming name of Crapstone. (Don't ask ...)

So we set out on Friday, it was quite early in the afternoon. the traffic should have been moderate. Wrong! The M25 lived up to its nickname as the highway to hell. By the time we had travelled about 15 miles and were irrevocably committed, to the extent that any alternative route would itself add hours of hassle, we were ensnared. So for some not insignificant piece of time we admired various number plates and exhaust pipes. It became patently obvious that, as an experiment, no lane moved any faster than any other. Having observed the ' lets change lane as often as possible' drivers, a van in the centre lane, a truck on the inner lane and ourselves in the outside lane it became evident that the only way to win was to lose two wheels and drive down the white lines between the cars. One slight problemetto - I haven't got a bike that can take four people and their luggage. Damn!

Off the motorway was no better ... to save boring you all completely to death, a journey that shouldn't take more than five hours took over seven. We tried the A303, that snarled up. Rather than queuing the whole route we opted for slow and steady, so we cut down to the A30; Salisbury, Wilton, Axminster, Yeovil etc. Very scenic, almost relaxing ... but slow. Hey, the upside is that the journey was eco-friendly!

Devon lived up to it's usual rep. It is the wettest corner of England I have been to. Periods of blue sky punctuated the grey, but woe betide the fools that thought that because it was sunny when they started the walk it would be sunny for the whole walk. Whoops!! That'd be these fools then! Did that twice - though we did take waterproofs with us once.

One thing that is worth noting is that when we are talking about a walk, this is in fact a logistics exercise which has to be executed with military precision. Organising five children, plus our own two, is no trivial feat. It is astonishing how many items of clothing need to be marshaled. Shoes gathered from various corners of the house. Socks, any two will do, the chance of a matched pair is too slim, so just the right size is good enough. Trousers? Definitely preferred. Be amazed at how long the nephews are prepared to wander around in pyjamas. Oh, I almost forgot, one or more will have to be forcibly disconnected from either games console or the PC.


And we haven't even got to the car yet. There is the inevitable debate over who goes in which car. Baby all strapped in. Assorted kids in the appropriate seating - thank you nanny state for that - and we're off. Now which direction did they turn out of the drive? Lets guess left. Phew!

One walk later, decamping from the car is much quicker, we can relax back in the house. Rewind .... did I say relax? Wrong, the kids relax, the adults run around sorting out food and stuff. We don't get to relax until they've gone to bed. This is rather like herding butterflies. Three degrees of freedom means that whilst one is settled the rest run amok, and when you turn your your back on the settled one he's out like a shot joining his brothers. Hmmmm, scene one, take two, three, four ........

And now the return, we set out later than advertised, see above for excuses. It was raining a little, by the time we got to Exeter there was enough electrical discharge to power a small country for a few weeks. Roughly one lighting strike every 2 minutes. I not see horizontal lightening before, but this stuff was running between clouds as well as cloud to earth. Oh, and the rain .... that was monsoon style. Sheets of the stuff, so heavy there was an inch or more of standing water on the motorway in places. Still, it made for a more interesting drive I suppose.


So what learning do I take from this:-
1. Do not have 5 children ... they are very loud and very hard work.
2. During any particular interval when they are not in bed any two or more will be at each others throats for one reason or another. Corollary - Do not expect to understand the reason.
3. Do not turn your back on any of them.
4. Whatever time you allocate for preparation to go out is increased proportionally by the number of children under 10 involved.
5. Consider yourself lucky if you return with the same number of children, boots and gloves as you set out with.