Aici zace un om .....

Well hello again dear reader(s) - my boundless optimism has considered the possibility that there may be more than one.

So it's a new year. So what? One day it was 2006, the next it's 2007. And this is supposed to change everything? I don't think so. The fish in the tank can barely tell one day from the next. The cats schedule their feeds twice a day, so maybe they have some concept of time. But we, the human race, homo sapiens (spot the oxymoron), think that the transition from one year to the next is a time of renewal. Why should it be, and why should it be this arbitrary point in the calendar. I mean, for example, the winter solstice has some meaning in astronomical and astrological terms - but what's 2 or 3 days later mean? What does 9 or 10 days later mean? Just arbitrary points in a time continuum - it's like that faux invalid, Andy, in the 'Little Britain' series had stood up at some distant point in the past and said 'I want that one!' but Lou wasn't there to say 'Are you sure?'

Anyway, I'm off topic. I'm also off paint. Ugh .... people do this for a living. Well I can understand that, I suppose. At least they get paid for it. But as a hobby? No, no, no, NO!!! So I have been painting the hall for the last couple of weekends on and off. We have chosen a calm mix of magnolia and 'biscuit' - roughly digestive biscuit colour rather than chocolate or pink iced biscuit colour. This is, in fact, probably better than the mix of aubergine, green and yellow we had previously - at least it doesn't challenge the more conservatively minded fiends (freudian slip) we have.

Decorating seems to consist mainly of preparation; sanding, filling, more sanding, washing, laying the masking tape so you don't accidentally paint the carpet, choosing colours, trying to get the ladder into position, and then tidying up - rinsing brushes in smelly white spirits, endlessly rinsing the roller to clear the paint blah, blah bleugh.

Somewhere in this cycle of prep and tidying comes the actual painting bit. This would be quite easy if the area awaiting paint was a simple flat surface, but it isn't. Of course it isn't, you stupid fool! If it was then you could do the whole lot in a single day and done with it. No, there are corners, pipes, door frames, doors, coving, dado rails, skirting boards, banisters, and even a moulded plaster arch surround. All of these variations on the theme of 'flat' has to be coped with. And each takes time - extra time, lots of extra time!

Oh there are short cuts. Use a 'one coat' paint? Oh hahahahaha! One coat, yes if the previous paint happened to be the same colour, or very close, to the one you are applying now. 'Oh yes we improved our hall radically - we changed from a pale cream to magnolia - it made all the difference.' Errr no! You could probably have gotten the same effect by not smoking 40 a day in your house for the last 20 years and washing the walls! Anyway, for those who think you can just apply a coat of 'one coat' paint and cover a completely different colour - you can't. Undercoat and 2 coats of the 'one coat' are required for a decent finish.

So enough on painting and decorating - it will be the death of me.