I Am Rage

Awoke this morning ready to rip the head off anything that even slightly irked me. Exit wrong side of the bed? There are 4 sides to a bed and I doubt that any of them could have been the right side today. Some sides much worse than others obviously. Clambering over the headboard into the wall, definitely contraindicated. Sliding down the bed and escaping over the footboard also ill advised, much pain and multiple bruises. That just leaves two potential soft exit options, neither of those would have resulted in me being in a better mood.

Buddhism proposes that I am not my emotions. It is alright to feel the emotion, but it does not define who I am. That is so much easier said than done. Emotion takes over. If I am water and emotions are the ripples, waves and currents, then rage is a tsunami. It is loud and destructive. It takes over and the rational part of me is submerged and awash. It’s not as if it is just me and few inanimate objects effected, anyone in the vicinity gets the full benefit as the air turns a shade of blue when I fumble something. Fumbling is so much more probable, rage has a physical effect; tensing muscles, ragged breathing, pumping heart. All the fine motor skills are affected, I’m so much more likely to be clumsy. 

But, if emotion is a surface effect, and after it has passed you are able to observe yourself again, there is still the aftermath to deal with. Like that tsunami, there is probably a trail of emotional, or even physical, consequences to manage. I say probably, I could have been lucky and just vented my spleen in private, no one around to witness the outburst and nothing damaged. In this case can I claim ‘falling tree in forest’? No, not really, I was there, I witnessed it, I know it happened.

Is it necessary to understand the cause of my anger. The cause may be frustration, something that needs to be dealt with. If it is possible to change the environment then I should do it. Sometimes easy and straightforward, often a struggle, but even trying can be palliative. Maybe there is no solution, in which case acceptance of the true state of the world is the only effective path forward. Knowing the difference, well that requires a wiser person than me.  

This Buddhist ideal, to be at peace with yourself, what of it? It is a goal, something to aim for. To realise your mental state, to moderate it if necessary, to be self aware. It helps to be conscious of the external effects on people I care about. Being angry passes on in the same way as being happy. The old cliche of a candles and flames applies just as well to propagating anger as it does to happiness. Finally, this concept of not being your emotion is rather dependent on everyone else around  being equally aware of their transient nature. I would really rather not be known as ‘The Angry Man’,  even if, sometimes,  that is exactly what I am.
with apologies to 'Being Peace; Thich Nhat Hanh' (Parallax Press 2005: ISBN 09380770077)